I met Kary over bowls of Pho and talk of punk music. We had matched multiple times on Tinder and this time she responded and we finally met up! I had absolutely no idea how deeply I would fall in love with her. Together we were explorers, activists, journalists, and lovers with fiery passion. Unfortunately at the end, together we were also like Courtney and Cobain, maddening one another. Perhaps Covid and the division in the atmosphere created the rift that wedge us apart; I was extremely unhealthy mentally, and Kary's physical health was not well.

When it was really great between us she made me feel seen, something that is rare and something that tapered off from my previous relationship. Kary put a lot of attention into our relationship and our friendship, as did I. I tried my best to also make sure she felt seen.

I really tried my best to make sure Kary knew I thought she was the most beautiful thing in my world. I loved taking photos of her smiling, and yet she so often seemed to hate me pointing the camera at her.

Kary was my Haruko Haruhara. I was Naoto. I could never live up to the expectation of her Atomsk. I tried to be her Pirate King. But I wasn't strong enough.

"Your camera is creating distance between us" is something she told me when I was really putting a lot of effort into producing and selling my artwork during Covid. It stung down to my core. Photography is who I am - I am a photographer.

We lost touch with who we were to each other, and some anger or resentment was growing inside us. I wish we could return to Pho Van and try again, but those people we were are long in the past.

I am sorry that I hadn't yet come to terms with my ADHD, and that I let my behavior go unchecked. I was not communicative of my needs and I was neglectful of myself and our friendship. I am grateful to be in therapy, learning to navigate my life differently now so that I do not end up treating another person I love the same way.

Kary loved Arctic Monkeys, Florence and The Machine, Highly Suspect, and Psychobilly/Horrorpunk. She loved a shot of whiskey with a cheap beer. And she had one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever known.

Since I made you leave, it's been impossible to let anyone in.